My Drunken Valentine

Today, 3:00a.m. - My sleep cycle hasn't been what you would call consistent lately and I was drifting in and out of conscienceness.  My mind was open when I heard the familiar bell of a text from my phone.  I reached for it just knowing at this hour it had to be a horny drunk guy from my past.  It was.  


"Druuunnkkk.  How are we?  Where are you?"  I rolled my eyes.  This was someone I had one too many drunken flings with over the past year.  I had never even bothered to get a last name or ask what he did for a living.  My initial thought was to write back "Sooobberrr.  Go Away."  But I knew that any type of response back to him would let him know I was awake and would entice him further to contact me.  So I silenced my phone and tried to fall back asleep.


But I couldn't.  This wasn't the first time since starting over that I was contacted by other people in the same manner.  Booty calls were just another element to the lifestyle I was living.  My low self esteem and lack of self respect had convinced me that I was not worthy to meet someone and engage in an actual relationship.  So instead, I participated in this degrading type of behavior.  


Men can read women a lot better than we give them credit for.  They know when a women truly projects confidence and when one fakes it.  I was a faker.  Men saw this and used it for their benefit to get laid.


I realize now that I had also become an innkeeper of sorts.  Many of the guys I met previously lived 30-45 minutes away and would come into the city to go out.  At the end of the night they'd be too wasted to drive and that's when they'd call me.  Why sleep on your friend's old couch when you could get a bed and a blowjob instead?  I would most likely be wasted as well and would always be up for it.  Now granted this wasn't happening every week, but enough to know that it wasn't benefiting me in any way.


And the sad part is, many of my "friends" encouraged this type of conduct.  Most were in their own loveless relationships and while they didn't intend on cheating on their partner, they could be stimulated by living vicariously through me.  They were the ones calling me the next morning for all the details of what had transpired.  I was quickly becoming known as the go to person for funny hook up stories.  And I wasn't finding anything wrong with that.


Now don't get me wrong, I think everyone is entitled to a one night stand or two in their lifetime, some may even see it as a rite of passage of sorts.  But I also think that in many ways our society has condoned this type of behavior.  Look at the womanizing character of Barney on How I Met Your Mother or any of the women from Sex and the City.  These shows are meant for entertainment and the story lines are exaggerated from what usually happens in everyday life.  But for some reason many people take the plots too literally and suddenly sex is no longer looked at as an act that should be saved for someone you care about.  It's being given out to someone who looked your way at a bar and bought you a drink.


I can't control what other people do with their bodies but I can control mine.  I reached out to my late night texter and told him why I wouldn't be seeing him anymore.  And it was really uncomfortable for me to do.  While I never have an intention of seeing him again, there was a reason why I had been putting off telling him or the others for that matter.  I like knowing in the back of my mind that they may still think of me as an option.  That thought proves I still have a lot of work to do when it comes to my insecurities, but I am satisfied knowing I did the right thing today.  


I have hope that there is someone out there who will understand me and what I have been through.  And he will want to call me at a reasonable hour.