Introduction

Hello blog world!

Today is February 9, 2010.  Six months ago today I turned 26.  Six months ago I had no idea who I was or any concept of a so called "future". 

A few years ago I started to make some poor choices and stopped taking care of myself.  Partly due to my upbringing I feared telling anyone my problems and the only way I knew how to deal with them was to push them far into the back of my mind, hoping they would go away.  I could think fast on my feet and I would lie and manipulate to get what I needed and avoid conflict.  I was really just creating more stress than necessary.  I found myself in a state where I felt like I was constantly drowning.  And instead of finding my inner strength to pull myself to the surface, I just kept sinking deeper.  My main goal in life was to just make it through the day without anyone knowing what was going on and I became okay with that.  I'll fix things tomorrow I would tell myself.

But I never did.  Instead I clung to situations that created a sense of escape from reality.  I loved the initial feeling of the first beer of the night, the instant buzz from a joint or the rush of buying a new pair of shoes.  But the feelings didn't last and my problems didn't go away.  Yet I still found myself seeking those pleasures that brought me to an alternate universe.  There nothing mattered and things seemed okay.  In October I finally hit rock bottom.  I was on the path to ruining the few things I had left that were special and important to me.

So I got help and it was really hard.  I pushed myself in ways I never have before.  

The most important thing that I've taken out of everything so far was that I am in fact my own person.  I didn't know who I was and that's part of why I didn't respect myself.  I need to live and do things for me, because at the end of the day, I'm all I got.  And that's actually a really amazing feeling.

It's time to start to deal with life without anyone holding my hand.  I still have so much learning and healing left to do.  It's time to start rebuilding my life and that's where this blog comes in.  I want to share my journey.  Life is constantly teaching us new lessons and ways to be better people, but many times we choose not to listen.

I don't entirely know what the future holds for me, but I really believe that only good things can happen if I put my best foot forward each day.  Six months from now I will be 27 and I can't wait to see how much more of my myself I have uncovered.

When I started this process I thought my life was ending... but really it was just beginning.