Secret Affair

For over a month now I have secretly been seeing two men.  I turn to them at night when I'm lonely or bored.  They are always there when I need them and up for some fun.  Every night it can be something entirely new and thrilling.  Their names are Ben and Jerry.


I have been seeking comfort in food.  You have to fill the void somehow and food seems most appropriate.  It's a necessity in life but it's also a pleasure, which is where the problem lies.  I can never get too much of a good thing and have trouble don't realizing when I've reach my limit.  And that leads to some serious binging.  


You really are what you eat and I eat to feel.  It's a way to self medicate the boredom, loneliness or stress that may be coursing through my head and it turns into a vicious cycle.  With one taste something seemingly positive is triggered in my mind and I keep eating to try to amplify that effect but it fades fast and I am unable to recreate that initial bliss. All I am left with is the feeling of being physically ill.  But in a strange way I am content with that, because at least I am feeling something.  


I always had a bad relationship with food.  When I was little, ice cream was recognized as a prize for a good behavior or to keep me quiet if I was having a temper tantrum.  I started dieting at the age of 13 when my mom introduced me to weight watchers.  I was ten pounds overweight at the time and she wanted me to learn how to maintain a healthy weight before things got out of hand.  I have not had a healthy relationship with food since that time.  I was always being watched and monitored and it didn't let me grow to understand my body on my own.    I could go on for days about my past issues with weight and body issues but I want to focus on the now and what I am going to do with my current relationship with food.  


Recently I was able to tap into how my brain views and feels about food.  One major thing I do is label food as either "good" or "bad".    Good foods are the ones that won't cause weight gain and bad foods are the ones that will.  I start to equate happiness with thinness.  So when I eat the so called bad food,   I automatically assume that I am bad and I start to beat myself up for it.  Because of one small action, I am letting myself feel unnecessary guilt and failure.  I get mean and tell myself horrible things and it's no wonder I wind up surrendering to food and binging.  


Instead of continuing on this path, my plan is to be more mindful of my actual hunger.  When I am feeling the urge to eat, I should take a deep breath and really think about why I want to.  Am I bored or really hungry?  If I am hungry I need to think about what I am craving.  What textures and tastes do I really want?  If you follow someone else's rules on how you should be eating then you will most likely not succeed.  For example, if a diet you are following says to have a salad for lunch but you are craving something crunchy, you are not listening to your body and will not be satisfied.  I need to remember to be nicer to myself and think about how I am worthy and want to respect my body and what it needs.  Eventually my hope is that I can find a natural way to coexist with food.


I had a talk with Ben and Jerry and told them we wouldn't be seeing each other as much.  It wouldn't be healthy to cut them out of my life completely, but I won't be seeking them out in the middle of the night to fill my emotional needs.