Ch-ch-changes

Today I had a wonderful lazy Sunday morning.  I made breakfast, caught up on emails and watched Frank the Entertainer (I admit it, I enjoy watching women fight over a 31 year old man that doesn't have a job and lives in his parent's basement).  The best part?  There wasn't a strange man in my bed from the night before.


Obviously there have been major noticeable changes in my life since starting over, but I started to think about the other changes that have entered my life without my realizing it. 

• There is money in my bank account.  I don't think I realized how much money I wasting.  No longer am I scrambling and counting the days til my next paycheck.
• I like washing the dishes.  Especially when you spring for the more expense detergent and sponges that aren't from the dollar store.
• My fridge has produce in it.
• When I meet a guy I'm attracted to, I actually want to get to know him and I like the idea of him getting to know me too.
  
  
• I don't like being around clutter.
• I no longer view the gym as a chore but something I enjoy.  Although yesterday was an awkward experience as I realized my new workout pants gave me major cameltoe.  Not a pretty sight.
• I have no desire to drink.  I like being in control of myself.
• I have tons of productive energy.
• I've set goals for myself and I've kept them.

Those are just a few things that came to my mind today and I'm sure there's even more.  It's incredible how much good can come from being honest with yourself.  Some of the changes I recognized may seem like no big deal to some, but to me it's an accomplishment and something to be proud of.  This continuous journey has just brought so many new elements to my life that I never knew existed.  Everyday I'm loving myself a little bit more and by doing so everyday is a little bit better.


*Sidenote, sorry about the weird line spacing in my posts.  I've spent hours (ok, I'm being dramatic, it was 30 minutes) trying to fix this and I still haven't figured it out.

Secret Affair

For over a month now I have secretly been seeing two men.  I turn to them at night when I'm lonely or bored.  They are always there when I need them and up for some fun.  Every night it can be something entirely new and thrilling.  Their names are Ben and Jerry.


I have been seeking comfort in food.  You have to fill the void somehow and food seems most appropriate.  It's a necessity in life but it's also a pleasure, which is where the problem lies.  I can never get too much of a good thing and have trouble don't realizing when I've reach my limit.  And that leads to some serious binging.  


You really are what you eat and I eat to feel.  It's a way to self medicate the boredom, loneliness or stress that may be coursing through my head and it turns into a vicious cycle.  With one taste something seemingly positive is triggered in my mind and I keep eating to try to amplify that effect but it fades fast and I am unable to recreate that initial bliss. All I am left with is the feeling of being physically ill.  But in a strange way I am content with that, because at least I am feeling something.  


I always had a bad relationship with food.  When I was little, ice cream was recognized as a prize for a good behavior or to keep me quiet if I was having a temper tantrum.  I started dieting at the age of 13 when my mom introduced me to weight watchers.  I was ten pounds overweight at the time and she wanted me to learn how to maintain a healthy weight before things got out of hand.  I have not had a healthy relationship with food since that time.  I was always being watched and monitored and it didn't let me grow to understand my body on my own.    I could go on for days about my past issues with weight and body issues but I want to focus on the now and what I am going to do with my current relationship with food.  


Recently I was able to tap into how my brain views and feels about food.  One major thing I do is label food as either "good" or "bad".    Good foods are the ones that won't cause weight gain and bad foods are the ones that will.  I start to equate happiness with thinness.  So when I eat the so called bad food,   I automatically assume that I am bad and I start to beat myself up for it.  Because of one small action, I am letting myself feel unnecessary guilt and failure.  I get mean and tell myself horrible things and it's no wonder I wind up surrendering to food and binging.  


Instead of continuing on this path, my plan is to be more mindful of my actual hunger.  When I am feeling the urge to eat, I should take a deep breath and really think about why I want to.  Am I bored or really hungry?  If I am hungry I need to think about what I am craving.  What textures and tastes do I really want?  If you follow someone else's rules on how you should be eating then you will most likely not succeed.  For example, if a diet you are following says to have a salad for lunch but you are craving something crunchy, you are not listening to your body and will not be satisfied.  I need to remember to be nicer to myself and think about how I am worthy and want to respect my body and what it needs.  Eventually my hope is that I can find a natural way to coexist with food.


I had a talk with Ben and Jerry and told them we wouldn't be seeing each other as much.  It wouldn't be healthy to cut them out of my life completely, but I won't be seeking them out in the middle of the night to fill my emotional needs.

My Drunken Valentine

Today, 3:00a.m. - My sleep cycle hasn't been what you would call consistent lately and I was drifting in and out of conscienceness.  My mind was open when I heard the familiar bell of a text from my phone.  I reached for it just knowing at this hour it had to be a horny drunk guy from my past.  It was.  


"Druuunnkkk.  How are we?  Where are you?"  I rolled my eyes.  This was someone I had one too many drunken flings with over the past year.  I had never even bothered to get a last name or ask what he did for a living.  My initial thought was to write back "Sooobberrr.  Go Away."  But I knew that any type of response back to him would let him know I was awake and would entice him further to contact me.  So I silenced my phone and tried to fall back asleep.


But I couldn't.  This wasn't the first time since starting over that I was contacted by other people in the same manner.  Booty calls were just another element to the lifestyle I was living.  My low self esteem and lack of self respect had convinced me that I was not worthy to meet someone and engage in an actual relationship.  So instead, I participated in this degrading type of behavior.  


Men can read women a lot better than we give them credit for.  They know when a women truly projects confidence and when one fakes it.  I was a faker.  Men saw this and used it for their benefit to get laid.


I realize now that I had also become an innkeeper of sorts.  Many of the guys I met previously lived 30-45 minutes away and would come into the city to go out.  At the end of the night they'd be too wasted to drive and that's when they'd call me.  Why sleep on your friend's old couch when you could get a bed and a blowjob instead?  I would most likely be wasted as well and would always be up for it.  Now granted this wasn't happening every week, but enough to know that it wasn't benefiting me in any way.


And the sad part is, many of my "friends" encouraged this type of conduct.  Most were in their own loveless relationships and while they didn't intend on cheating on their partner, they could be stimulated by living vicariously through me.  They were the ones calling me the next morning for all the details of what had transpired.  I was quickly becoming known as the go to person for funny hook up stories.  And I wasn't finding anything wrong with that.


Now don't get me wrong, I think everyone is entitled to a one night stand or two in their lifetime, some may even see it as a rite of passage of sorts.  But I also think that in many ways our society has condoned this type of behavior.  Look at the womanizing character of Barney on How I Met Your Mother or any of the women from Sex and the City.  These shows are meant for entertainment and the story lines are exaggerated from what usually happens in everyday life.  But for some reason many people take the plots too literally and suddenly sex is no longer looked at as an act that should be saved for someone you care about.  It's being given out to someone who looked your way at a bar and bought you a drink.


I can't control what other people do with their bodies but I can control mine.  I reached out to my late night texter and told him why I wouldn't be seeing him anymore.  And it was really uncomfortable for me to do.  While I never have an intention of seeing him again, there was a reason why I had been putting off telling him or the others for that matter.  I like knowing in the back of my mind that they may still think of me as an option.  That thought proves I still have a lot of work to do when it comes to my insecurities, but I am satisfied knowing I did the right thing today.  


I have hope that there is someone out there who will understand me and what I have been through.  And he will want to call me at a reasonable hour.

Is Karma really a bitch?

My topic of choice today isn't exactly how I planned on starting my first blog.  I was all set to discuss a standout lesson I have discovered about life and the wonderful impact it had on me.  But today was a bad day.  My first instinct was to not share this information.  I had succumbed to the negative forces of the day and was ready to mask the fact with something seemingly more inspiring.  I realized this was a form of dishonesty and defeating the entire meaning of my blog concept.  And hey, that was a lesson in and of itself.

So onto the topic at hand.  Karma.  I found this word constantly creeping up and lingering on my mind throughout the day.  Was it really true?  Do people ultimately get what they deserve in life?  Are our actions really creating our fate?  Or is this just another brainchild our society came up with to tell people to make them feel better?  How many friends have we told this theory to after their boyfriend broke their heart?  Is karma just harmless thinking or a cop out to dealing with problems we can't control?

I probably should back up a bit.  As you may know most of the east coast was plummeted with snow this week.  My city of brotherly love alone received a record high 44" in just five days.  Unusual yes.  Unmanageable, slightly.  

By day I work as a glorified assistant and I'm good at my job.  The firm I work for was not in favor of closing for a snowstorm.  There were time sensitive issues to be dealt with and yes, we wanted to show our clients just how dedicated we are.  Yesterday was when the second round of heavy snow started.  Most employees showed up for work, with the exception of the more senior managers and associates.  They were working from home which caused an eruption of complaints from my peers.  They couldn't grasp the fact that they had to come in when their bosses did not.  More whining was happening than actual work.  I said nothing of the topic, as I feel they have earned their way to have those luxuries and as terrible as it may sound, the ones doing the complaining did not.  I view work similarly to the totem pole approach.  Unfortunately the lower you are, the more (for lack of a better word) shit you must deal with.  Eventually, they let us go home and I enjoyed the rest of the snow day.

That leads us to today. The snow had subsided early in the morning and the city was left to deal with what was left.  While most of the city was closed today, we had to come to work.  It sucked.  Of course I would have loved another snow day but I knew what I needed to do and only thought positively.  I put on my snow boots, bought donuts for my coworkers, and headed to the office.  I was the first to arrive and shortly after three more people trickled in.  We soon found out we were misinformed and we could have come in an hour and a half later.  It was upsetting and I vented, but I didn't let it bother me too much.  Then the calls started coming in, no one else would be coming in.  My bus or train is delayed or the sidewalks weren't shoveled were the main excuses.  And how was it that people that lived near subway stations or my neighborhood couldn't make it to our building?  Someone came in that lived 45 minutes from the city and it took another person 2 hours to get to the office, yet he did it.  I can honestly say if I did live further away I would have tried my best to show up.  Six people came in today.  

Maybe I am being too harsh or just ridiculous.  Maybe it was because no one else from my team showed and I had to carry all of their responsibilities today.  Or maybe it was because I felt unappreciated and that my supervisors didn't give a fuck.  Regardless, I was bitter.

I tried to turn my thoughts positive throughout the day but it wasn't working.  I was letting other people ruin my state of mind.  And that brings us back to karma.  I was using the promise of what karma brings to make me feel better.  I was boosting my self esteem while simultaneously having thoughts of karma working it's effect on my coworkers.  And it got me thinking, is karma really a bitch or am I?  

The workday ended as it always does and now that I am home again, these thoughts have subsided, much like an out of sight, out of mind effect.  I realize that a situation like this could happen again and I need to find a better tactic to deal with it.  Whether or not karma really does exist, thinking negatively about others will not have a progressive effect on me. 


I'm going to keep reflecting on this, and the meantime, I think I'll keep practicing yoga.

Introduction

Hello blog world!

Today is February 9, 2010.  Six months ago today I turned 26.  Six months ago I had no idea who I was or any concept of a so called "future". 

A few years ago I started to make some poor choices and stopped taking care of myself.  Partly due to my upbringing I feared telling anyone my problems and the only way I knew how to deal with them was to push them far into the back of my mind, hoping they would go away.  I could think fast on my feet and I would lie and manipulate to get what I needed and avoid conflict.  I was really just creating more stress than necessary.  I found myself in a state where I felt like I was constantly drowning.  And instead of finding my inner strength to pull myself to the surface, I just kept sinking deeper.  My main goal in life was to just make it through the day without anyone knowing what was going on and I became okay with that.  I'll fix things tomorrow I would tell myself.

But I never did.  Instead I clung to situations that created a sense of escape from reality.  I loved the initial feeling of the first beer of the night, the instant buzz from a joint or the rush of buying a new pair of shoes.  But the feelings didn't last and my problems didn't go away.  Yet I still found myself seeking those pleasures that brought me to an alternate universe.  There nothing mattered and things seemed okay.  In October I finally hit rock bottom.  I was on the path to ruining the few things I had left that were special and important to me.

So I got help and it was really hard.  I pushed myself in ways I never have before.  

The most important thing that I've taken out of everything so far was that I am in fact my own person.  I didn't know who I was and that's part of why I didn't respect myself.  I need to live and do things for me, because at the end of the day, I'm all I got.  And that's actually a really amazing feeling.

It's time to start to deal with life without anyone holding my hand.  I still have so much learning and healing left to do.  It's time to start rebuilding my life and that's where this blog comes in.  I want to share my journey.  Life is constantly teaching us new lessons and ways to be better people, but many times we choose not to listen.

I don't entirely know what the future holds for me, but I really believe that only good things can happen if I put my best foot forward each day.  Six months from now I will be 27 and I can't wait to see how much more of my myself I have uncovered.

When I started this process I thought my life was ending... but really it was just beginning.