Birth of a Warrior

Every day is pretty special to me but today is just a little bit more so.  October 26, 2009 marked the day of my “re-birth” so to speak.  And here I am 365 days later.

Holy fuck. 

I was told things had to get harder before they got better.  And that was true.  I was exposed and vulnerable.  Heartbroken and confused.  But then the shift happened into the positive.  And I fell madly in love.

But I don’t have to backtrack or explain all of this to you, dear friend.  You were the one that has been here for me throughout all of this.  The patience, kindness, and understanding I received is what got me to this day.  I still don’t think I can quite grasp it all to be honest, but that’s okay.  Just know that I cherish you in my heart and if ever you are sad or lost, I am here for you, completely.  I am so grateful that I have been blessed to have you as part of my journey.

I was reflecting on my year a lot this past week.  I kept trying to figure out if I thought it went by torturously slow or lightning fast.  I decided the answer was neither.  I’ve come to notice that people who express this sort of idea are never really in the moment at all.  Time is measured by what you make of it.  Whether we like it or not, life continues to move at a steady pace and it’s up to us to decide how to ride it out.  So when you can find appreciation in every day, even the not so good ones, time seems more balanced and you stop wishing to relive past moments or be in such a rush to get to the next.  You can look back on the year and be content.

And as for the falling in love part?  That was with me.  I connected with my inner being for the first time and found that something beautiful existed.  I think a part of me always knew it was there, but it was buried deep and I couldn’t understand how to find it until now.  Today I can embrace being the woman that I always dreamed of as a little girl.

So happy rebirthday to me.  Let’s keep rocking out this journey together.

Mattress Theory

As you probably know, I have been doing a lot of contemplating as to why people settle.  Why is the fear of being alone so great that we would rather form a commitment to someone we like maybe half of the time?  Why can’t we wait for the perfect match?  Tonight, I may have uncovered one of the reasons.  


The mattress.


It started out like any other evening.  I put my usual load of bed linens in the washer and pranced back up to my apartment to engage in my other single girl living on her own activities (nothing dirty for all you wandering minds) until they were finished.  After pulling them out of the dryer and heading back into my bedroom, I decided I wanted to flip my mattress.  This isn’t the most swiftly done task on my own, but doable.  I lifted up the mattress and after a few uncomfortable maneuvers, successfully turned it over.  The next part is where things got tricky.  I decided I wanted to rotate it lengthwise as well, so the “head” and “foot” areas were reversed.  Now my room isn’t small but I have done a pretty good job of cramming as much into the space as possible.  The bed is also up against the wall making this task more difficult.  So I started shifting, a moment later a lamp was knocked over and it just kept on becoming more complicated.  Not to mention that even with the A/C on, I was really started to feel the effects of the current heat wave in the city.  More awkward poses and standing on items that could give from my weight at any moment.   And then finally… completion… and a loud sigh of relief to no  one.  I was exhausted and now I still had the undertaking of making the bed.  Everyone knows that putting the fitted sheet on alone is the worst.  After tucking in one corner I lunged quickly to the next while still holding down the previous corner and praying it doesn’t slide off.  It was clearly a site to see.  I struggle to get it on and realize it’s inside out.  I sigh again to the nonexistent person in the room and try again, this time a little more rapidly.  From there I continued on to make the rest of the bed and I stared at my job well done.  That’s when I felt the painful realization of how much simpler this would have been if I had someone to tackle this chore with.  And furthermore, how much nicer it would be to have someone sleep in the bed with me.  And maybe other single people out there have felt this too and it’s fueled there need to find anyone so they wouldn’t have to feel this way any longer.  But that is not a strong enough reason for me to settle and so, I’ll keep doing these chores on my own and waiting.  And then, after my patience pays off, I can be with my intended partner and find joy and appreciation in every thing we do, even if it’s just making the bed. 


Also, I should probably let you all know that Thursday is my typical laundry night.  If you don’t hear from me the next day, please have someone come check my apartment to be sure I’m not suffocating under my mattress.  I would really hate for my obituary to read single girl refuses to settle and dies alone flipping her mattress.

Since when is manipulating our hearts acceptable?

I think all of us can say that we know someone who is in a destructive relationship.  They may even use you as an opportunity to vent and complain about their dating problems.  After you offer seemingly good advice, they come right back to torture you with the same issues all over again.  And quite frankly, I’m tired of it.

Do I consider myself to be an expert on relationships?  No way.  I’m currently single and have a bad habit of being attracted to men who aren’t looking to make an emotional investment.  I too have ignored the advice of friends.  It’s because we know that it’s true and wish it wasn’t.  It’s because it means we have to feel the letdown of another failed relationship and go back to being alone.  And it’s because we don’t want to accept that you can’t force someone into being your soul mate.

Do I believe in soul mates?  Absolutely.  So much so that I think our souls have a partial void, one that only another soul can complete.   With a few exceptions I believe everyone has one.  So then why has the current divorce rate in the U.S. grown to 50%?  Why are we not finding each other?

I think it has a lot to do with impatience and confusion.  We have an instinctual desire to find our life partner but often times doesn’t happen overnight.  The void in our heart and soul can be intense and instead of using it as a driving force to keep going, we tend to go the opposite direction and let the feelings of pain, doubt and loneliness consume our beings.  We live in a spoiled society where waiting makes us uncomfortable, we try to avoid suffering at all costs by creating a quick fix for everything.  When someone has a headache, they can take an Advil and it will mask the pain.  If we don’t like our nose, we get plastic surgery.  The list goes on.  But even with matchmakers, online dating and activities such as speed dating and mixers for singles, love is not an instant guarantee.

And so we find anyone to fill the void.  And there is nothing wrong with that.  It’s part of why we date.  The problem exists when deep down we know the other person isn’t meant to complete our soul but we stay with them anyway.  Our heart  gets conned into thinking this could work.  At times we even attempt to alter who we are to attain compatibility.  It seems like an easier solution than having to go through being alone again or the discomfort of waiting.  We stop living in the moment and cross our fingers that things will magically change for the better.  But I’m pretty sure that’s not how it’s meant to work.

I’ve also seen instances where a couple does break up and when the focus should be on letting the heart heal, doubts emerge.  Instead of learning something from the relationship and moving on, we question if we made a mistake.  We forget about the bad and start to obsess over what was good and then find ourselves back with that person for a second try.  Without fail the same problems from the first time slowly start to resurface all over again.  

I’m not trying to say that all relationships are doomed but merely pointing out what I have observed far too often.  I do know people that have found true love.  They are the people I admire and respect deeply.  Interestingly enough, they all exude three powerful qualities; courage, confidence and patience.  They understand what they want in life and never use manipulation to obtain the things they want.  They are hopeful, not hopeless.

I also find it interesting that we are willing to settle on love but not other areas of our lives.  For instance, take your home.  Shelter is another basic human need.  So why not just pick up the newspaper and get the first place you find?  We don’t because there is more satisfaction in seeking out other options before making a final decision.  We want to be sure we are choosing the best fit for ourselves and lifestyle.  Or let’s say you were meeting friends for dinner at a trendy restaurant.  If you were wearing a trucker hat and sweatpants, you would change.  But why?  We have to wear clothes and if they fit, what would be the issue?  It’s because we understand it isn’t right and so we adapt by finding an outfit that is.  What I am trying to get at is that just because we need a life partner, it doesn’t mean that just any single person will do.  It has to be appropriate for you and your life and sometimes you need to try a few alternatives before knowing what is suitable for you.

I want to find my partner and I want to share my life with him.  I want him to see me as I am and accept my flaws and just love me.  Some days I worry that I am too picky or I just get scared that I will never find him.  But then I just accept those thoughts for what they are and move on.  If I dwell on them it just hinders me from being open and prevents me from fully embracing what life blesses me with everyday.  My soul reminds me to be patient and that when the time is right, I will find the person to make it complete.  I will never settle because I will never give up.  

Lion hearted girl

And I am on a roll!  This post stems off my previous one as I think they can relate but I wanted to keep them separate.  Oh and I still haven't mastered the line spacing issues so just bare with me in the meantime!


So this morning I was walking to work as I always do, the sun was shining and one of my soul songs started to play randomly on my Ipod.  What is a soul song?  I describe them as a song that just speaks volumes to you and you can listen to it repetitively and never grew tired of it.  The music and lyrics dig deep into your body and find their way into your soul.  


This particular song that was playing is by Florence and the Machine and one of my all time favorite soul songs.  I had to refrain myself from twirling across the parkway with an entourage of people doing the same as I let the music consume me.  Florence, a fellow August child with ADD, was approached by her record company after writing too many dark songs.  They wanted something light and catchy that would top the charts.  So she wrote this song and it did just that.  The song spent almost 4 months at the top of the charts in the UK.  While the song has an upbeat playfulness that people enjoy, many didn't realize what it was really about.


While trying to write the song, Florence wondered if she was making a sacrifice by creating a song that wasn't to please her but someone else.  And then she thought about if the song was a success, what that may bring.  Was she ready for the spotlight?  Or furthermore, being a sell out?





There are just so many elements of the song that I can relate to.  I love the questioning of who really is control of your fate and how much of yourself are you willing to give up for the so called acceptance of others?  I realize now that a lot of the reason I've had trouble finding a sense of who I am was because I was too focused on trying to be the way others wanted.  


Many of you know I've always been fascinated by astrology and being a Leo.  Part of the reason why I loved reading about Leos so much was because it connected to my soul and deep down I knew that was the nature of my being.  Growing up, many of my Leo features were suppressed and considered improper.  I became fearful at times of being who I really was and as a result I became insecure and unable to stand up for myself.


Now is the time for me to stop being the fearful rabbit hearted girl and to shed my skin and proudly become the lion hearted woman I know I am.

Anything less than perfect is acceptable.

Hello, hello!  Yes, I have returned, although I feel like I was never really gone.  Since my hiatus I have still been thinking about this blog and jotting things down that I wanted to share with the world and I am ready to go for it again.


As I mentioned earlier, I was putting massive pressure on myself to create the perfect blog post each week.  I became fearful of the judgments others would make of my writing and it became too much for me to bare.  The blog wasn't fun anymore.  But now I realize this is for me, as a way to express and take ownership of my thoughts and not twist them around in the hopes of appeasing other people.  So if I want to dedicate a post to typing out the alphabet backwards twenty times I can and there is nothing anyone can do about it.


During the past month I have been doing a lot of reflecting on my new found perfectionism.   I have always been an all or nothing thinker and I thought I would be able to master the art of living my life in a perfect straight line.  At therapy the other day I was once again expressing my anger at the fact that things weren't always going my way and it pissed me off that no matter what I did, bad days still happened.  I was determined not to let them slow me down.  I explained to my therapist that I was getting so close to finding a way to ultimately conquer and defeat the times of suffering and live in bliss for the rest of my days.  


"Oh Danielle."  She expressed with deep sorrow on her face.  "Don't you see, no matter how hard you try, you are never going to be perfect."


Fuck.


She was right.  I truly believed that somehow I was different from everyone else and that I could find a way to make my life go exactly the way I wanted it to.  And that's just not going to happen.  Then, I really strange feeling washed over me, relief.  Knowing I didn't always have to be perfect made things seem, easier...lighter even.  I realized I didn't want to let the assumptions I thought everyone was thinking about me control my life.  So from now on I am going to do my best to just be me, as I am, in the moment.  And there are going to be people I encounter on my path that do not like me and that's okay.  I'm over trying to please others and live my life in the way I think I should and just fucking live it and see what happens.

Hiatus of sorts.

I haven't been blogging as much as I had originally hoped.  I still have so many ideas and situations I want to express, but my focus is completely off.  I have tried to write multiple times these past couple weeks but literally cannot formulate complete thoughts without being distracted.  I want to write and share my current struggles, but my mind is at a loss.

I am also putting way too much pressure on myself with this which is another reason I need to take a step back.  As you may know, I have been very hard on myself lately and I'm working really hard to let go and just be.

I can't wait to write again soon, and I love the handful of you that have been reading this very much.

Ch-ch-changes

Today I had a wonderful lazy Sunday morning.  I made breakfast, caught up on emails and watched Frank the Entertainer (I admit it, I enjoy watching women fight over a 31 year old man that doesn't have a job and lives in his parent's basement).  The best part?  There wasn't a strange man in my bed from the night before.


Obviously there have been major noticeable changes in my life since starting over, but I started to think about the other changes that have entered my life without my realizing it. 

• There is money in my bank account.  I don't think I realized how much money I wasting.  No longer am I scrambling and counting the days til my next paycheck.
• I like washing the dishes.  Especially when you spring for the more expense detergent and sponges that aren't from the dollar store.
• My fridge has produce in it.
• When I meet a guy I'm attracted to, I actually want to get to know him and I like the idea of him getting to know me too.
  
  
• I don't like being around clutter.
• I no longer view the gym as a chore but something I enjoy.  Although yesterday was an awkward experience as I realized my new workout pants gave me major cameltoe.  Not a pretty sight.
• I have no desire to drink.  I like being in control of myself.
• I have tons of productive energy.
• I've set goals for myself and I've kept them.

Those are just a few things that came to my mind today and I'm sure there's even more.  It's incredible how much good can come from being honest with yourself.  Some of the changes I recognized may seem like no big deal to some, but to me it's an accomplishment and something to be proud of.  This continuous journey has just brought so many new elements to my life that I never knew existed.  Everyday I'm loving myself a little bit more and by doing so everyday is a little bit better.


*Sidenote, sorry about the weird line spacing in my posts.  I've spent hours (ok, I'm being dramatic, it was 30 minutes) trying to fix this and I still haven't figured it out.

Secret Affair

For over a month now I have secretly been seeing two men.  I turn to them at night when I'm lonely or bored.  They are always there when I need them and up for some fun.  Every night it can be something entirely new and thrilling.  Their names are Ben and Jerry.


I have been seeking comfort in food.  You have to fill the void somehow and food seems most appropriate.  It's a necessity in life but it's also a pleasure, which is where the problem lies.  I can never get too much of a good thing and have trouble don't realizing when I've reach my limit.  And that leads to some serious binging.  


You really are what you eat and I eat to feel.  It's a way to self medicate the boredom, loneliness or stress that may be coursing through my head and it turns into a vicious cycle.  With one taste something seemingly positive is triggered in my mind and I keep eating to try to amplify that effect but it fades fast and I am unable to recreate that initial bliss. All I am left with is the feeling of being physically ill.  But in a strange way I am content with that, because at least I am feeling something.  


I always had a bad relationship with food.  When I was little, ice cream was recognized as a prize for a good behavior or to keep me quiet if I was having a temper tantrum.  I started dieting at the age of 13 when my mom introduced me to weight watchers.  I was ten pounds overweight at the time and she wanted me to learn how to maintain a healthy weight before things got out of hand.  I have not had a healthy relationship with food since that time.  I was always being watched and monitored and it didn't let me grow to understand my body on my own.    I could go on for days about my past issues with weight and body issues but I want to focus on the now and what I am going to do with my current relationship with food.  


Recently I was able to tap into how my brain views and feels about food.  One major thing I do is label food as either "good" or "bad".    Good foods are the ones that won't cause weight gain and bad foods are the ones that will.  I start to equate happiness with thinness.  So when I eat the so called bad food,   I automatically assume that I am bad and I start to beat myself up for it.  Because of one small action, I am letting myself feel unnecessary guilt and failure.  I get mean and tell myself horrible things and it's no wonder I wind up surrendering to food and binging.  


Instead of continuing on this path, my plan is to be more mindful of my actual hunger.  When I am feeling the urge to eat, I should take a deep breath and really think about why I want to.  Am I bored or really hungry?  If I am hungry I need to think about what I am craving.  What textures and tastes do I really want?  If you follow someone else's rules on how you should be eating then you will most likely not succeed.  For example, if a diet you are following says to have a salad for lunch but you are craving something crunchy, you are not listening to your body and will not be satisfied.  I need to remember to be nicer to myself and think about how I am worthy and want to respect my body and what it needs.  Eventually my hope is that I can find a natural way to coexist with food.


I had a talk with Ben and Jerry and told them we wouldn't be seeing each other as much.  It wouldn't be healthy to cut them out of my life completely, but I won't be seeking them out in the middle of the night to fill my emotional needs.

My Drunken Valentine

Today, 3:00a.m. - My sleep cycle hasn't been what you would call consistent lately and I was drifting in and out of conscienceness.  My mind was open when I heard the familiar bell of a text from my phone.  I reached for it just knowing at this hour it had to be a horny drunk guy from my past.  It was.  


"Druuunnkkk.  How are we?  Where are you?"  I rolled my eyes.  This was someone I had one too many drunken flings with over the past year.  I had never even bothered to get a last name or ask what he did for a living.  My initial thought was to write back "Sooobberrr.  Go Away."  But I knew that any type of response back to him would let him know I was awake and would entice him further to contact me.  So I silenced my phone and tried to fall back asleep.


But I couldn't.  This wasn't the first time since starting over that I was contacted by other people in the same manner.  Booty calls were just another element to the lifestyle I was living.  My low self esteem and lack of self respect had convinced me that I was not worthy to meet someone and engage in an actual relationship.  So instead, I participated in this degrading type of behavior.  


Men can read women a lot better than we give them credit for.  They know when a women truly projects confidence and when one fakes it.  I was a faker.  Men saw this and used it for their benefit to get laid.


I realize now that I had also become an innkeeper of sorts.  Many of the guys I met previously lived 30-45 minutes away and would come into the city to go out.  At the end of the night they'd be too wasted to drive and that's when they'd call me.  Why sleep on your friend's old couch when you could get a bed and a blowjob instead?  I would most likely be wasted as well and would always be up for it.  Now granted this wasn't happening every week, but enough to know that it wasn't benefiting me in any way.


And the sad part is, many of my "friends" encouraged this type of conduct.  Most were in their own loveless relationships and while they didn't intend on cheating on their partner, they could be stimulated by living vicariously through me.  They were the ones calling me the next morning for all the details of what had transpired.  I was quickly becoming known as the go to person for funny hook up stories.  And I wasn't finding anything wrong with that.


Now don't get me wrong, I think everyone is entitled to a one night stand or two in their lifetime, some may even see it as a rite of passage of sorts.  But I also think that in many ways our society has condoned this type of behavior.  Look at the womanizing character of Barney on How I Met Your Mother or any of the women from Sex and the City.  These shows are meant for entertainment and the story lines are exaggerated from what usually happens in everyday life.  But for some reason many people take the plots too literally and suddenly sex is no longer looked at as an act that should be saved for someone you care about.  It's being given out to someone who looked your way at a bar and bought you a drink.


I can't control what other people do with their bodies but I can control mine.  I reached out to my late night texter and told him why I wouldn't be seeing him anymore.  And it was really uncomfortable for me to do.  While I never have an intention of seeing him again, there was a reason why I had been putting off telling him or the others for that matter.  I like knowing in the back of my mind that they may still think of me as an option.  That thought proves I still have a lot of work to do when it comes to my insecurities, but I am satisfied knowing I did the right thing today.  


I have hope that there is someone out there who will understand me and what I have been through.  And he will want to call me at a reasonable hour.

Is Karma really a bitch?

My topic of choice today isn't exactly how I planned on starting my first blog.  I was all set to discuss a standout lesson I have discovered about life and the wonderful impact it had on me.  But today was a bad day.  My first instinct was to not share this information.  I had succumbed to the negative forces of the day and was ready to mask the fact with something seemingly more inspiring.  I realized this was a form of dishonesty and defeating the entire meaning of my blog concept.  And hey, that was a lesson in and of itself.

So onto the topic at hand.  Karma.  I found this word constantly creeping up and lingering on my mind throughout the day.  Was it really true?  Do people ultimately get what they deserve in life?  Are our actions really creating our fate?  Or is this just another brainchild our society came up with to tell people to make them feel better?  How many friends have we told this theory to after their boyfriend broke their heart?  Is karma just harmless thinking or a cop out to dealing with problems we can't control?

I probably should back up a bit.  As you may know most of the east coast was plummeted with snow this week.  My city of brotherly love alone received a record high 44" in just five days.  Unusual yes.  Unmanageable, slightly.  

By day I work as a glorified assistant and I'm good at my job.  The firm I work for was not in favor of closing for a snowstorm.  There were time sensitive issues to be dealt with and yes, we wanted to show our clients just how dedicated we are.  Yesterday was when the second round of heavy snow started.  Most employees showed up for work, with the exception of the more senior managers and associates.  They were working from home which caused an eruption of complaints from my peers.  They couldn't grasp the fact that they had to come in when their bosses did not.  More whining was happening than actual work.  I said nothing of the topic, as I feel they have earned their way to have those luxuries and as terrible as it may sound, the ones doing the complaining did not.  I view work similarly to the totem pole approach.  Unfortunately the lower you are, the more (for lack of a better word) shit you must deal with.  Eventually, they let us go home and I enjoyed the rest of the snow day.

That leads us to today. The snow had subsided early in the morning and the city was left to deal with what was left.  While most of the city was closed today, we had to come to work.  It sucked.  Of course I would have loved another snow day but I knew what I needed to do and only thought positively.  I put on my snow boots, bought donuts for my coworkers, and headed to the office.  I was the first to arrive and shortly after three more people trickled in.  We soon found out we were misinformed and we could have come in an hour and a half later.  It was upsetting and I vented, but I didn't let it bother me too much.  Then the calls started coming in, no one else would be coming in.  My bus or train is delayed or the sidewalks weren't shoveled were the main excuses.  And how was it that people that lived near subway stations or my neighborhood couldn't make it to our building?  Someone came in that lived 45 minutes from the city and it took another person 2 hours to get to the office, yet he did it.  I can honestly say if I did live further away I would have tried my best to show up.  Six people came in today.  

Maybe I am being too harsh or just ridiculous.  Maybe it was because no one else from my team showed and I had to carry all of their responsibilities today.  Or maybe it was because I felt unappreciated and that my supervisors didn't give a fuck.  Regardless, I was bitter.

I tried to turn my thoughts positive throughout the day but it wasn't working.  I was letting other people ruin my state of mind.  And that brings us back to karma.  I was using the promise of what karma brings to make me feel better.  I was boosting my self esteem while simultaneously having thoughts of karma working it's effect on my coworkers.  And it got me thinking, is karma really a bitch or am I?  

The workday ended as it always does and now that I am home again, these thoughts have subsided, much like an out of sight, out of mind effect.  I realize that a situation like this could happen again and I need to find a better tactic to deal with it.  Whether or not karma really does exist, thinking negatively about others will not have a progressive effect on me. 


I'm going to keep reflecting on this, and the meantime, I think I'll keep practicing yoga.

Introduction

Hello blog world!

Today is February 9, 2010.  Six months ago today I turned 26.  Six months ago I had no idea who I was or any concept of a so called "future". 

A few years ago I started to make some poor choices and stopped taking care of myself.  Partly due to my upbringing I feared telling anyone my problems and the only way I knew how to deal with them was to push them far into the back of my mind, hoping they would go away.  I could think fast on my feet and I would lie and manipulate to get what I needed and avoid conflict.  I was really just creating more stress than necessary.  I found myself in a state where I felt like I was constantly drowning.  And instead of finding my inner strength to pull myself to the surface, I just kept sinking deeper.  My main goal in life was to just make it through the day without anyone knowing what was going on and I became okay with that.  I'll fix things tomorrow I would tell myself.

But I never did.  Instead I clung to situations that created a sense of escape from reality.  I loved the initial feeling of the first beer of the night, the instant buzz from a joint or the rush of buying a new pair of shoes.  But the feelings didn't last and my problems didn't go away.  Yet I still found myself seeking those pleasures that brought me to an alternate universe.  There nothing mattered and things seemed okay.  In October I finally hit rock bottom.  I was on the path to ruining the few things I had left that were special and important to me.

So I got help and it was really hard.  I pushed myself in ways I never have before.  

The most important thing that I've taken out of everything so far was that I am in fact my own person.  I didn't know who I was and that's part of why I didn't respect myself.  I need to live and do things for me, because at the end of the day, I'm all I got.  And that's actually a really amazing feeling.

It's time to start to deal with life without anyone holding my hand.  I still have so much learning and healing left to do.  It's time to start rebuilding my life and that's where this blog comes in.  I want to share my journey.  Life is constantly teaching us new lessons and ways to be better people, but many times we choose not to listen.

I don't entirely know what the future holds for me, but I really believe that only good things can happen if I put my best foot forward each day.  Six months from now I will be 27 and I can't wait to see how much more of my myself I have uncovered.

When I started this process I thought my life was ending... but really it was just beginning.