Hello, hello! Yes, I have returned, although I feel like I was never really gone. Since my hiatus I have still been thinking about this blog and jotting things down that I wanted to share with the world and I am ready to go for it again.
As I mentioned earlier, I was putting massive pressure on myself to create the perfect blog post each week. I became fearful of the judgments others would make of my writing and it became too much for me to bare. The blog wasn't fun anymore. But now I realize this is for me, as a way to express and take ownership of my thoughts and not twist them around in the hopes of appeasing other people. So if I want to dedicate a post to typing out the alphabet backwards twenty times I can and there is nothing anyone can do about it.
During the past month I have been doing a lot of reflecting on my new found perfectionism. I have always been an all or nothing thinker and I thought I would be able to master the art of living my life in a perfect straight line. At therapy the other day I was once again expressing my anger at the fact that things weren't always going my way and it pissed me off that no matter what I did, bad days still happened. I was determined not to let them slow me down. I explained to my therapist that I was getting so close to finding a way to ultimately conquer and defeat the times of suffering and live in bliss for the rest of my days.
"Oh Danielle." She expressed with deep sorrow on her face. "Don't you see, no matter how hard you try, you are never going to be perfect."
Fuck.
She was right. I truly believed that somehow I was different from everyone else and that I could find a way to make my life go exactly the way I wanted it to. And that's just not going to happen. Then, I really strange feeling washed over me, relief. Knowing I didn't always have to be perfect made things seem, easier...lighter even. I realized I didn't want to let the assumptions I thought everyone was thinking about me control my life. So from now on I am going to do my best to just be me, as I am, in the moment. And there are going to be people I encounter on my path that do not like me and that's okay. I'm over trying to please others and live my life in the way I think I should and just fucking live it and see what happens.
D,
ReplyDeleteIronically, this is (I think) you're best written post yet! But it's my favorite so far because I am going through the same thing. It's so refreshing and comforting to read your thoughts and realize that I'm not the only person who thought that I would somehow be different, and would spend my life in perfect happiness if only I could master the...whatever it was that I had to master to do so (...everything...?). Keep on writing girlfriend...I love your posts and you're awesome!
Nat