Do I consider myself to be an expert on relationships? No way. I’m currently single and have a bad habit of being attracted to men who aren’t looking to make an emotional investment. I too have ignored the advice of friends. It’s because we know that it’s true and wish it wasn’t. It’s because it means we have to feel the letdown of another failed relationship and go back to being alone. And it’s because we don’t want to accept that you can’t force someone into being your soul mate.
Do I believe in soul mates? Absolutely. So much so that I think our souls have a partial void, one that only another soul can complete. With a few exceptions I believe everyone has one. So then why has the current divorce rate in the U.S. grown to 50%? Why are we not finding each other?
I think it has a lot to do with impatience and confusion. We have an instinctual desire to find our life partner but often times doesn’t happen overnight. The void in our heart and soul can be intense and instead of using it as a driving force to keep going, we tend to go the opposite direction and let the feelings of pain, doubt and loneliness consume our beings. We live in a spoiled society where waiting makes us uncomfortable, we try to avoid suffering at all costs by creating a quick fix for everything. When someone has a headache, they can take an Advil and it will mask the pain. If we don’t like our nose, we get plastic surgery. The list goes on. But even with matchmakers, online dating and activities such as speed dating and mixers for singles, love is not an instant guarantee.
And so we find anyone to fill the void. And there is nothing wrong with that. It’s part of why we date. The problem exists when deep down we know the other person isn’t meant to complete our soul but we stay with them anyway. Our heart gets conned into thinking this could work. At times we even attempt to alter who we are to attain compatibility. It seems like an easier solution than having to go through being alone again or the discomfort of waiting. We stop living in the moment and cross our fingers that things will magically change for the better. But I’m pretty sure that’s not how it’s meant to work.
I’ve also seen instances where a couple does break up and when the focus should be on letting the heart heal, doubts emerge. Instead of learning something from the relationship and moving on, we question if we made a mistake. We forget about the bad and start to obsess over what was good and then find ourselves back with that person for a second try. Without fail the same problems from the first time slowly start to resurface all over again.
I’m not trying to say that all relationships are doomed but merely pointing out what I have observed far too often. I do know people that have found true love. They are the people I admire and respect deeply. Interestingly enough, they all exude three powerful qualities; courage, confidence and patience. They understand what they want in life and never use manipulation to obtain the things they want. They are hopeful, not hopeless.
I also find it interesting that we are willing to settle on love but not other areas of our lives. For instance, take your home. Shelter is another basic human need. So why not just pick up the newspaper and get the first place you find? We don’t because there is more satisfaction in seeking out other options before making a final decision. We want to be sure we are choosing the best fit for ourselves and lifestyle. Or let’s say you were meeting friends for dinner at a trendy restaurant. If you were wearing a trucker hat and sweatpants, you would change. But why? We have to wear clothes and if they fit, what would be the issue? It’s because we understand it isn’t right and so we adapt by finding an outfit that is. What I am trying to get at is that just because we need a life partner, it doesn’t mean that just any single person will do. It has to be appropriate for you and your life and sometimes you need to try a few alternatives before knowing what is suitable for you.
I want to find my partner and I want to share my life with him. I want him to see me as I am and accept my flaws and just love me. Some days I worry that I am too picky or I just get scared that I will never find him. But then I just accept those thoughts for what they are and move on. If I dwell on them it just hinders me from being open and prevents me from fully embracing what life blesses me with everyday. My soul reminds me to be patient and that when the time is right, I will find the person to make it complete. I will never settle because I will never give up.
