Birth of a Warrior

Every day is pretty special to me but today is just a little bit more so.  October 26, 2009 marked the day of my “re-birth” so to speak.  And here I am 365 days later.

Holy fuck. 

I was told things had to get harder before they got better.  And that was true.  I was exposed and vulnerable.  Heartbroken and confused.  But then the shift happened into the positive.  And I fell madly in love.

But I don’t have to backtrack or explain all of this to you, dear friend.  You were the one that has been here for me throughout all of this.  The patience, kindness, and understanding I received is what got me to this day.  I still don’t think I can quite grasp it all to be honest, but that’s okay.  Just know that I cherish you in my heart and if ever you are sad or lost, I am here for you, completely.  I am so grateful that I have been blessed to have you as part of my journey.

I was reflecting on my year a lot this past week.  I kept trying to figure out if I thought it went by torturously slow or lightning fast.  I decided the answer was neither.  I’ve come to notice that people who express this sort of idea are never really in the moment at all.  Time is measured by what you make of it.  Whether we like it or not, life continues to move at a steady pace and it’s up to us to decide how to ride it out.  So when you can find appreciation in every day, even the not so good ones, time seems more balanced and you stop wishing to relive past moments or be in such a rush to get to the next.  You can look back on the year and be content.

And as for the falling in love part?  That was with me.  I connected with my inner being for the first time and found that something beautiful existed.  I think a part of me always knew it was there, but it was buried deep and I couldn’t understand how to find it until now.  Today I can embrace being the woman that I always dreamed of as a little girl.

So happy rebirthday to me.  Let’s keep rocking out this journey together.

Mattress Theory

As you probably know, I have been doing a lot of contemplating as to why people settle.  Why is the fear of being alone so great that we would rather form a commitment to someone we like maybe half of the time?  Why can’t we wait for the perfect match?  Tonight, I may have uncovered one of the reasons.  


The mattress.


It started out like any other evening.  I put my usual load of bed linens in the washer and pranced back up to my apartment to engage in my other single girl living on her own activities (nothing dirty for all you wandering minds) until they were finished.  After pulling them out of the dryer and heading back into my bedroom, I decided I wanted to flip my mattress.  This isn’t the most swiftly done task on my own, but doable.  I lifted up the mattress and after a few uncomfortable maneuvers, successfully turned it over.  The next part is where things got tricky.  I decided I wanted to rotate it lengthwise as well, so the “head” and “foot” areas were reversed.  Now my room isn’t small but I have done a pretty good job of cramming as much into the space as possible.  The bed is also up against the wall making this task more difficult.  So I started shifting, a moment later a lamp was knocked over and it just kept on becoming more complicated.  Not to mention that even with the A/C on, I was really started to feel the effects of the current heat wave in the city.  More awkward poses and standing on items that could give from my weight at any moment.   And then finally… completion… and a loud sigh of relief to no  one.  I was exhausted and now I still had the undertaking of making the bed.  Everyone knows that putting the fitted sheet on alone is the worst.  After tucking in one corner I lunged quickly to the next while still holding down the previous corner and praying it doesn’t slide off.  It was clearly a site to see.  I struggle to get it on and realize it’s inside out.  I sigh again to the nonexistent person in the room and try again, this time a little more rapidly.  From there I continued on to make the rest of the bed and I stared at my job well done.  That’s when I felt the painful realization of how much simpler this would have been if I had someone to tackle this chore with.  And furthermore, how much nicer it would be to have someone sleep in the bed with me.  And maybe other single people out there have felt this too and it’s fueled there need to find anyone so they wouldn’t have to feel this way any longer.  But that is not a strong enough reason for me to settle and so, I’ll keep doing these chores on my own and waiting.  And then, after my patience pays off, I can be with my intended partner and find joy and appreciation in every thing we do, even if it’s just making the bed. 


Also, I should probably let you all know that Thursday is my typical laundry night.  If you don’t hear from me the next day, please have someone come check my apartment to be sure I’m not suffocating under my mattress.  I would really hate for my obituary to read single girl refuses to settle and dies alone flipping her mattress.

Since when is manipulating our hearts acceptable?

I think all of us can say that we know someone who is in a destructive relationship.  They may even use you as an opportunity to vent and complain about their dating problems.  After you offer seemingly good advice, they come right back to torture you with the same issues all over again.  And quite frankly, I’m tired of it.

Do I consider myself to be an expert on relationships?  No way.  I’m currently single and have a bad habit of being attracted to men who aren’t looking to make an emotional investment.  I too have ignored the advice of friends.  It’s because we know that it’s true and wish it wasn’t.  It’s because it means we have to feel the letdown of another failed relationship and go back to being alone.  And it’s because we don’t want to accept that you can’t force someone into being your soul mate.

Do I believe in soul mates?  Absolutely.  So much so that I think our souls have a partial void, one that only another soul can complete.   With a few exceptions I believe everyone has one.  So then why has the current divorce rate in the U.S. grown to 50%?  Why are we not finding each other?

I think it has a lot to do with impatience and confusion.  We have an instinctual desire to find our life partner but often times doesn’t happen overnight.  The void in our heart and soul can be intense and instead of using it as a driving force to keep going, we tend to go the opposite direction and let the feelings of pain, doubt and loneliness consume our beings.  We live in a spoiled society where waiting makes us uncomfortable, we try to avoid suffering at all costs by creating a quick fix for everything.  When someone has a headache, they can take an Advil and it will mask the pain.  If we don’t like our nose, we get plastic surgery.  The list goes on.  But even with matchmakers, online dating and activities such as speed dating and mixers for singles, love is not an instant guarantee.

And so we find anyone to fill the void.  And there is nothing wrong with that.  It’s part of why we date.  The problem exists when deep down we know the other person isn’t meant to complete our soul but we stay with them anyway.  Our heart  gets conned into thinking this could work.  At times we even attempt to alter who we are to attain compatibility.  It seems like an easier solution than having to go through being alone again or the discomfort of waiting.  We stop living in the moment and cross our fingers that things will magically change for the better.  But I’m pretty sure that’s not how it’s meant to work.

I’ve also seen instances where a couple does break up and when the focus should be on letting the heart heal, doubts emerge.  Instead of learning something from the relationship and moving on, we question if we made a mistake.  We forget about the bad and start to obsess over what was good and then find ourselves back with that person for a second try.  Without fail the same problems from the first time slowly start to resurface all over again.  

I’m not trying to say that all relationships are doomed but merely pointing out what I have observed far too often.  I do know people that have found true love.  They are the people I admire and respect deeply.  Interestingly enough, they all exude three powerful qualities; courage, confidence and patience.  They understand what they want in life and never use manipulation to obtain the things they want.  They are hopeful, not hopeless.

I also find it interesting that we are willing to settle on love but not other areas of our lives.  For instance, take your home.  Shelter is another basic human need.  So why not just pick up the newspaper and get the first place you find?  We don’t because there is more satisfaction in seeking out other options before making a final decision.  We want to be sure we are choosing the best fit for ourselves and lifestyle.  Or let’s say you were meeting friends for dinner at a trendy restaurant.  If you were wearing a trucker hat and sweatpants, you would change.  But why?  We have to wear clothes and if they fit, what would be the issue?  It’s because we understand it isn’t right and so we adapt by finding an outfit that is.  What I am trying to get at is that just because we need a life partner, it doesn’t mean that just any single person will do.  It has to be appropriate for you and your life and sometimes you need to try a few alternatives before knowing what is suitable for you.

I want to find my partner and I want to share my life with him.  I want him to see me as I am and accept my flaws and just love me.  Some days I worry that I am too picky or I just get scared that I will never find him.  But then I just accept those thoughts for what they are and move on.  If I dwell on them it just hinders me from being open and prevents me from fully embracing what life blesses me with everyday.  My soul reminds me to be patient and that when the time is right, I will find the person to make it complete.  I will never settle because I will never give up.  

Lion hearted girl

And I am on a roll!  This post stems off my previous one as I think they can relate but I wanted to keep them separate.  Oh and I still haven't mastered the line spacing issues so just bare with me in the meantime!


So this morning I was walking to work as I always do, the sun was shining and one of my soul songs started to play randomly on my Ipod.  What is a soul song?  I describe them as a song that just speaks volumes to you and you can listen to it repetitively and never grew tired of it.  The music and lyrics dig deep into your body and find their way into your soul.  


This particular song that was playing is by Florence and the Machine and one of my all time favorite soul songs.  I had to refrain myself from twirling across the parkway with an entourage of people doing the same as I let the music consume me.  Florence, a fellow August child with ADD, was approached by her record company after writing too many dark songs.  They wanted something light and catchy that would top the charts.  So she wrote this song and it did just that.  The song spent almost 4 months at the top of the charts in the UK.  While the song has an upbeat playfulness that people enjoy, many didn't realize what it was really about.


While trying to write the song, Florence wondered if she was making a sacrifice by creating a song that wasn't to please her but someone else.  And then she thought about if the song was a success, what that may bring.  Was she ready for the spotlight?  Or furthermore, being a sell out?





There are just so many elements of the song that I can relate to.  I love the questioning of who really is control of your fate and how much of yourself are you willing to give up for the so called acceptance of others?  I realize now that a lot of the reason I've had trouble finding a sense of who I am was because I was too focused on trying to be the way others wanted.  


Many of you know I've always been fascinated by astrology and being a Leo.  Part of the reason why I loved reading about Leos so much was because it connected to my soul and deep down I knew that was the nature of my being.  Growing up, many of my Leo features were suppressed and considered improper.  I became fearful at times of being who I really was and as a result I became insecure and unable to stand up for myself.


Now is the time for me to stop being the fearful rabbit hearted girl and to shed my skin and proudly become the lion hearted woman I know I am.

Anything less than perfect is acceptable.

Hello, hello!  Yes, I have returned, although I feel like I was never really gone.  Since my hiatus I have still been thinking about this blog and jotting things down that I wanted to share with the world and I am ready to go for it again.


As I mentioned earlier, I was putting massive pressure on myself to create the perfect blog post each week.  I became fearful of the judgments others would make of my writing and it became too much for me to bare.  The blog wasn't fun anymore.  But now I realize this is for me, as a way to express and take ownership of my thoughts and not twist them around in the hopes of appeasing other people.  So if I want to dedicate a post to typing out the alphabet backwards twenty times I can and there is nothing anyone can do about it.


During the past month I have been doing a lot of reflecting on my new found perfectionism.   I have always been an all or nothing thinker and I thought I would be able to master the art of living my life in a perfect straight line.  At therapy the other day I was once again expressing my anger at the fact that things weren't always going my way and it pissed me off that no matter what I did, bad days still happened.  I was determined not to let them slow me down.  I explained to my therapist that I was getting so close to finding a way to ultimately conquer and defeat the times of suffering and live in bliss for the rest of my days.  


"Oh Danielle."  She expressed with deep sorrow on her face.  "Don't you see, no matter how hard you try, you are never going to be perfect."


Fuck.


She was right.  I truly believed that somehow I was different from everyone else and that I could find a way to make my life go exactly the way I wanted it to.  And that's just not going to happen.  Then, I really strange feeling washed over me, relief.  Knowing I didn't always have to be perfect made things seem, easier...lighter even.  I realized I didn't want to let the assumptions I thought everyone was thinking about me control my life.  So from now on I am going to do my best to just be me, as I am, in the moment.  And there are going to be people I encounter on my path that do not like me and that's okay.  I'm over trying to please others and live my life in the way I think I should and just fucking live it and see what happens.

Hiatus of sorts.

I haven't been blogging as much as I had originally hoped.  I still have so many ideas and situations I want to express, but my focus is completely off.  I have tried to write multiple times these past couple weeks but literally cannot formulate complete thoughts without being distracted.  I want to write and share my current struggles, but my mind is at a loss.

I am also putting way too much pressure on myself with this which is another reason I need to take a step back.  As you may know, I have been very hard on myself lately and I'm working really hard to let go and just be.

I can't wait to write again soon, and I love the handful of you that have been reading this very much.

Ch-ch-changes

Today I had a wonderful lazy Sunday morning.  I made breakfast, caught up on emails and watched Frank the Entertainer (I admit it, I enjoy watching women fight over a 31 year old man that doesn't have a job and lives in his parent's basement).  The best part?  There wasn't a strange man in my bed from the night before.


Obviously there have been major noticeable changes in my life since starting over, but I started to think about the other changes that have entered my life without my realizing it. 

• There is money in my bank account.  I don't think I realized how much money I wasting.  No longer am I scrambling and counting the days til my next paycheck.
• I like washing the dishes.  Especially when you spring for the more expense detergent and sponges that aren't from the dollar store.
• My fridge has produce in it.
• When I meet a guy I'm attracted to, I actually want to get to know him and I like the idea of him getting to know me too.
  
  
• I don't like being around clutter.
• I no longer view the gym as a chore but something I enjoy.  Although yesterday was an awkward experience as I realized my new workout pants gave me major cameltoe.  Not a pretty sight.
• I have no desire to drink.  I like being in control of myself.
• I have tons of productive energy.
• I've set goals for myself and I've kept them.

Those are just a few things that came to my mind today and I'm sure there's even more.  It's incredible how much good can come from being honest with yourself.  Some of the changes I recognized may seem like no big deal to some, but to me it's an accomplishment and something to be proud of.  This continuous journey has just brought so many new elements to my life that I never knew existed.  Everyday I'm loving myself a little bit more and by doing so everyday is a little bit better.


*Sidenote, sorry about the weird line spacing in my posts.  I've spent hours (ok, I'm being dramatic, it was 30 minutes) trying to fix this and I still haven't figured it out.